Apparently, my cousin is never allowed to come home. Not only that, but my aunt isn't talking to her "ever again."
"I don't care if you think I'm wrong, and I don't care if God himself tells me that I'm making a mistake - I'm sticking to my decision."
Whew....ok. Remind me never to piss you off.
It was, however, amusing to watch my aunt nodding off on the sofa last night. She was sitting upright, and started slowly leaning forward until her head was finally between her knees and she fell completely asleep that way. That's all I really have to write about today.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Tuesday, January 30th
Since I've been going out and spending more time away from my house, I've been much happier. Letting all my aggression out into this blog is helping too. Last night I went out with a friend, so I wasn't home long enough to witness anything too interesting. I do, however, have a tidbit for you.
My aunt's daughter (ok, my cousin) lives in Arizona with her aunt and uncle for school. My aunt decided that she didn't want her daughter going to school in the ghetto (didn't want to deal with her own daughter) and has shipped her off to live with 3 different family members in the 1 1/2 years that I've been staying with them. That's a story that I'll save for another flashback. Anyways, she's 13 years old and she's a total miniature punk rocker. Apparently, she decided that she wanted to cut off all of her hair a couple of weeks ago (as you already know) and didn't ask her mom first. Ok here's the deal.
She told her aunt that she wanted to get a hair cut, and her aunt said ok. My cousin then said, "Well I need to ask my mom first," and her aunt said, "No you don't. You live with us."
Uh-ohhh....
So my cousin cuts all of her hair off without talking to her parents first, and my aunt retaliates by shaving her head (oh, how grown up of you).
The part that I just found out is that my aunt has now completely written off her own daughter. The girl is 13 and rebelling a little bit, and instead of trying to work through it, my aunt quits talking to her and won't let her come home this summer. Wow.
Pretty soon this is gonna get really ugly, because my aunt's brother (the uncle that my cousin is staying with) and his wife are going to try to have my cousin taken away, and get full custody of her. Yeah. All hell is going to break loose.
My aunt's daughter (ok, my cousin) lives in Arizona with her aunt and uncle for school. My aunt decided that she didn't want her daughter going to school in the ghetto (didn't want to deal with her own daughter) and has shipped her off to live with 3 different family members in the 1 1/2 years that I've been staying with them. That's a story that I'll save for another flashback. Anyways, she's 13 years old and she's a total miniature punk rocker. Apparently, she decided that she wanted to cut off all of her hair a couple of weeks ago (as you already know) and didn't ask her mom first. Ok here's the deal.
She told her aunt that she wanted to get a hair cut, and her aunt said ok. My cousin then said, "Well I need to ask my mom first," and her aunt said, "No you don't. You live with us."
Uh-ohhh....
So my cousin cuts all of her hair off without talking to her parents first, and my aunt retaliates by shaving her head (oh, how grown up of you).
The part that I just found out is that my aunt has now completely written off her own daughter. The girl is 13 and rebelling a little bit, and instead of trying to work through it, my aunt quits talking to her and won't let her come home this summer. Wow.
Pretty soon this is gonna get really ugly, because my aunt's brother (the uncle that my cousin is staying with) and his wife are going to try to have my cousin taken away, and get full custody of her. Yeah. All hell is going to break loose.
Flashback
My mom came to visit me for Thanksgiving last year even though she swore that she would never stay the night at my house again after what happened the year before. She must really, really love me to do that. One night, she and I were sitting on the porch swing talking to each other while our front door was open. Because we live in the ghetto, of course we have a locking security screen door also, so that was closed. Anyways, my mom and I are sitting outside talking, when a man from the apartment building next door to our house pulls up across the street to park. He was driving a huge Cadillac and was trying to fit it into a pretty tight spot. While my mom and I talked, I watched his efforts curiously because I myself cannot parallel park to save my life.
Apparently, my aunt (who was drunk) was watching him from inside the house while she was lying on the sofa, and decided to make a big deal out of it to The Lapdog who was at our house visiting at the time. "Oh my god, are you serious?? Are you kidding me?? This guy cannot parallel park and he's hitting all of the parked cars!!" (He really wasn't.) At this point, she gets up off the sofa (it's a miracle!) and stands in front of the screen door, yelling loud enough for this guy to hear her.
I just look at my mom. She looks at me. We're both helpless, and we're the ones sitting outside.
My aunt, being the whatever-she-is that she is, of course has to start yelling even louder once the guy is finished parking and gets out of his car. This man, mind you, did nothing wrong! My aunt starts going at it again, "I can't believe this guy! He can't park for shit! Is he drunk?? This guy is drunk - I can't fucking believe it!!"
Oh my god. Hide me. Mom, hide me! If you loved me, you'd hide me!
The guy responds, "Excuse me? What did you say? I'm not drunk. You try parking my car! And the minivan in front of it belongs to me, too! I can hit my own car's bumper while I'm parking if I want to!"
The man is right.
To The Lapdog: "Oh my god, I can't believe this guy is drunk! You've got to see this!!"
Thank God this man was a better person than me and just went into his apartment building. I was so embarrassed. I hope he saw my aunt standing at the screen and didn't assume that my mom and I were the ones getting in his business. My aunt should be muzzled after 5pm.
Apparently, my aunt (who was drunk) was watching him from inside the house while she was lying on the sofa, and decided to make a big deal out of it to The Lapdog who was at our house visiting at the time. "Oh my god, are you serious?? Are you kidding me?? This guy cannot parallel park and he's hitting all of the parked cars!!" (He really wasn't.) At this point, she gets up off the sofa (it's a miracle!) and stands in front of the screen door, yelling loud enough for this guy to hear her.
I just look at my mom. She looks at me. We're both helpless, and we're the ones sitting outside.
My aunt, being the whatever-she-is that she is, of course has to start yelling even louder once the guy is finished parking and gets out of his car. This man, mind you, did nothing wrong! My aunt starts going at it again, "I can't believe this guy! He can't park for shit! Is he drunk?? This guy is drunk - I can't fucking believe it!!"
Oh my god. Hide me. Mom, hide me! If you loved me, you'd hide me!
The guy responds, "Excuse me? What did you say? I'm not drunk. You try parking my car! And the minivan in front of it belongs to me, too! I can hit my own car's bumper while I'm parking if I want to!"
The man is right.
To The Lapdog: "Oh my god, I can't believe this guy is drunk! You've got to see this!!"
Thank God this man was a better person than me and just went into his apartment building. I was so embarrassed. I hope he saw my aunt standing at the screen and didn't assume that my mom and I were the ones getting in his business. My aunt should be muzzled after 5pm.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28th
Aside from being a drug-addicted drunk, my aunt is also a whore. No, I'm serious. I know, I know, that sounds harsh...but she really is a whore. So anyways, not only does she have her main sugar daddy, she also has boyfriends. Yesterday her sugar daddy was over, and he and I always talk while he's there. We don't see each other much, and he really is an awesome guy. I don't support that fact that my aunt is a whore, but this man really takes care of the family. So he and I were talking in private and he says to me, "I don't know how the fuck you can live here. Everyone in this house is fucking CRAZY - out of their minds, cuckoo, not okay in the head, fucking insane." This is where I just nod, and don't say anything. Crazy people can probably hear your thoughts too.
My aunt told me to rub her head for good luck yesterday. Like it was a Buddha belly or something. Looking at it kinda grossed me out, but I didn't want to be a bitch. So I rubbed her head. I'm still smiling and nodding when she asks me if it looks okay. I really don't know what to tell her. I did, however, find out why she did it. Her daughter who lives in Arizona right now apparently cut off all of her hair, which used to be really long. Now she has sort of a reverse bob. Since she never called her mom and asked permission to do that, my aunt decided to shave her head as "retaliation/silent protest." Sure. Whatever.
Yesterday, my uncle sat on the floor in front of the fridge eating leftover ham. Then when he was done, he threw the ham bone on our hardwood floors and let our dogs drag it around, picking the meat off of it. All I could do was sit there and watch them smear nasty ham grease all over the floor. I mean, all over the floor. I thought I was gonna puke.
My aunt told me to rub her head for good luck yesterday. Like it was a Buddha belly or something. Looking at it kinda grossed me out, but I didn't want to be a bitch. So I rubbed her head. I'm still smiling and nodding when she asks me if it looks okay. I really don't know what to tell her. I did, however, find out why she did it. Her daughter who lives in Arizona right now apparently cut off all of her hair, which used to be really long. Now she has sort of a reverse bob. Since she never called her mom and asked permission to do that, my aunt decided to shave her head as "retaliation/silent protest." Sure. Whatever.
Yesterday, my uncle sat on the floor in front of the fridge eating leftover ham. Then when he was done, he threw the ham bone on our hardwood floors and let our dogs drag it around, picking the meat off of it. All I could do was sit there and watch them smear nasty ham grease all over the floor. I mean, all over the floor. I thought I was gonna puke.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Saturday, January 27th
Nothing worth writing about happened yesterday. Well actually, I wasn't really home yesterday...so maybe something did happen, but I wasn't there. I decided that on days where I have nothing new to write about, I'll tell you a story about something that happened a while back. From now on, these entries will just say Flashback.
In October or November of last year, my aunt was supposed to be leaving for a fishing trip in another state. See, everyone in my house knows that because she drinks so much, pops so many pills, and doesn't have a job, she doesn't exactly need to follow any sort of sleep routine. Therefore, she typically sleeps all day and is awake all night. When she knows ahead of time that she needs to be in a certain place in the morning, she flips out and drinks a little extra brandy (and takes a few extra muscle relaxers) so that she passes out earlier and can wake up in the morning. This has led to many, many problems.
So now, back to the story at hand. It's October or November, and she has to be at the airport in the morning to catch her flight. She passes out for the night, completely wasted, at around 10pm. I'm sound asleep in my room when I'm woken up by the sound of somebody screaming my name. At first I thought I was dreaming, but then I heard my aunt's voice screaming my uncle's name, too. I drag myself out of bed and walk into the living room where I find my aunt laying on her stomach, and her face is sitting in a puddle of blood.
The End.
Ok, ok just kidding. So, my aunt is laying there with her blood all over the hardwood floors (oh my god, that's gonna leave a stain!) and is looking up at me helplessly. I help her to her feet and notice that she has not only completely busted open her chin...but there's like, meat hanging down. Sorry for that visual, but as you can imagine, it was pretty grotesque. As always, I got to play doctor and clean and bandage her wound. She really should have gotten stitches, but she knew she'd be at the hospital all night and wanted to sleep instead. (Plus, she didn't want to hear the lecture from the doctor about how it would have bled a lot less if she didn't have so much alcohol in her system, and that maybe she should get some help with her addictions....but she didn't say that, of course.)
She did, however, tell me that what had happened was that she was sleeping (passed out) on the sofa, and got up to use the bathroom, but tripped over the dog.
Judging by the fact that the dog was sleeping on the sofa...and the coffee table was very, very crooked, it didn't take a genius to figure out that she woke up to use the bathroom and fell over the coffee table. My uncle and I played stupid though and didn't say anything to her.
Since this happened, I've gotten yelled at by my aunt any time I've left a chair at the table pushed out a little bit. "I could hurt myself!" she screams. Maybe my uncle and I should invest in some edge & corner guards for the house. We can pretend like there's a baby...but without the smelly diapers.
In October or November of last year, my aunt was supposed to be leaving for a fishing trip in another state. See, everyone in my house knows that because she drinks so much, pops so many pills, and doesn't have a job, she doesn't exactly need to follow any sort of sleep routine. Therefore, she typically sleeps all day and is awake all night. When she knows ahead of time that she needs to be in a certain place in the morning, she flips out and drinks a little extra brandy (and takes a few extra muscle relaxers) so that she passes out earlier and can wake up in the morning. This has led to many, many problems.
So now, back to the story at hand. It's October or November, and she has to be at the airport in the morning to catch her flight. She passes out for the night, completely wasted, at around 10pm. I'm sound asleep in my room when I'm woken up by the sound of somebody screaming my name. At first I thought I was dreaming, but then I heard my aunt's voice screaming my uncle's name, too. I drag myself out of bed and walk into the living room where I find my aunt laying on her stomach, and her face is sitting in a puddle of blood.
The End.
Ok, ok just kidding. So, my aunt is laying there with her blood all over the hardwood floors (oh my god, that's gonna leave a stain!) and is looking up at me helplessly. I help her to her feet and notice that she has not only completely busted open her chin...but there's like, meat hanging down. Sorry for that visual, but as you can imagine, it was pretty grotesque. As always, I got to play doctor and clean and bandage her wound. She really should have gotten stitches, but she knew she'd be at the hospital all night and wanted to sleep instead. (Plus, she didn't want to hear the lecture from the doctor about how it would have bled a lot less if she didn't have so much alcohol in her system, and that maybe she should get some help with her addictions....but she didn't say that, of course.)
She did, however, tell me that what had happened was that she was sleeping (passed out) on the sofa, and got up to use the bathroom, but tripped over the dog.
Judging by the fact that the dog was sleeping on the sofa...and the coffee table was very, very crooked, it didn't take a genius to figure out that she woke up to use the bathroom and fell over the coffee table. My uncle and I played stupid though and didn't say anything to her.
Since this happened, I've gotten yelled at by my aunt any time I've left a chair at the table pushed out a little bit. "I could hurt myself!" she screams. Maybe my uncle and I should invest in some edge & corner guards for the house. We can pretend like there's a baby...but without the smelly diapers.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Friday, January 26th
How hard is it to order a pizza? I mean really. Not hard, right? Well if you were at my house last night, you'd think it required a PhD. My aunt's friend was over (really, he's her lapdog) and he waits on her hand and foot. It's disgusting. So my aunt exclaims, "I want a burger! No! I want pizza!" Dude...it's 10pm on a Thursday night in the ghetto. "Yes, dear. You tell me what you'd like and I'll take care of it," he replies. I think I just threw up a little bit.
This is where it gets entertaining.
He calls this little local pizza place that we always order from. One of those places that has like, 2 different locations with dirt-cheap pizza and nobody speaks English when you call to order, but the pizza kicks ass. So he calls this place, and instead of somebody answering, he gets a fax machine. He tries again. Fax machine. Tries again. Fax machine. This goes on for about 10 minutes (no joke) before he decides to call Directory Assistance to ask them for the number. Why? I don't know. My uncle (being the stupi-visor that he is) takes the phone and tries dialing the number also. By this point, the fax machine wasn't answering anymore, but the phone was just ringing and ringing with no answer.
I think they're closed?
"No - they can't be closed! They must be out of business! Oh my god, I can't believe they went out of business! Their pizza was so good! How is that possible?!"
Me: sigh.
What now? Well, Pizza Hut of course! Out comes the phone book, my aunt's friend is flying through the yellow pages...."A-ha! Pizza Hut! But...which one?"
"Um, maybe the one in Inglewood?"
"But there's 2 in Inglewood!"
"Ok...so...maybe the one with the closest address?"
"Ah! Good point!"
I roll my eyes and go hide in the kitchen. This is driving me crazy to watch.
The first Pizza Hut doesn't deliver to our area. Neither does the second one. "Do any of them deliver here???" He calls the corporate office and files a complaint against both locations. "It's completely unacceptable that we can't order pizza from your company when we have cash in our hands and are ready to pay."
Now my drunk aunt is freaking out because she thinks the corporate office is going to take our pizza order and force somebody to deliver it (sigh) so she starts screaming - loud enough to be heard through the phone - "No, I don't want loogies! No loogie pizzas! Oh my god there's gonna be loogies! Oh my god there's gonna be loogies! LOOGIES!!!"
Finally he orders from Dominoes and is sure to tell both the poor girl who was unfortunate enough to answer the phone, and the unsuspecting delivery driver that had to bring the pizza to my pyschotic household the entire story about how the first place must have gone out of business, how Pizza Hut wouldn't deliver to us, and so now they have a new customer.
Oh. My. God.
This is where it gets entertaining.
He calls this little local pizza place that we always order from. One of those places that has like, 2 different locations with dirt-cheap pizza and nobody speaks English when you call to order, but the pizza kicks ass. So he calls this place, and instead of somebody answering, he gets a fax machine. He tries again. Fax machine. Tries again. Fax machine. This goes on for about 10 minutes (no joke) before he decides to call Directory Assistance to ask them for the number. Why? I don't know. My uncle (being the stupi-visor that he is) takes the phone and tries dialing the number also. By this point, the fax machine wasn't answering anymore, but the phone was just ringing and ringing with no answer.
I think they're closed?
"No - they can't be closed! They must be out of business! Oh my god, I can't believe they went out of business! Their pizza was so good! How is that possible?!"
Me: sigh.
What now? Well, Pizza Hut of course! Out comes the phone book, my aunt's friend is flying through the yellow pages...."A-ha! Pizza Hut! But...which one?"
"Um, maybe the one in Inglewood?"
"But there's 2 in Inglewood!"
"Ok...so...maybe the one with the closest address?"
"Ah! Good point!"
I roll my eyes and go hide in the kitchen. This is driving me crazy to watch.
The first Pizza Hut doesn't deliver to our area. Neither does the second one. "Do any of them deliver here???" He calls the corporate office and files a complaint against both locations. "It's completely unacceptable that we can't order pizza from your company when we have cash in our hands and are ready to pay."
Now my drunk aunt is freaking out because she thinks the corporate office is going to take our pizza order and force somebody to deliver it (sigh) so she starts screaming - loud enough to be heard through the phone - "No, I don't want loogies! No loogie pizzas! Oh my god there's gonna be loogies! Oh my god there's gonna be loogies! LOOGIES!!!"
Finally he orders from Dominoes and is sure to tell both the poor girl who was unfortunate enough to answer the phone, and the unsuspecting delivery driver that had to bring the pizza to my pyschotic household the entire story about how the first place must have gone out of business, how Pizza Hut wouldn't deliver to us, and so now they have a new customer.
Oh. My. God.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Thursday, January 25th PM
I was really dreading going home from work tonight. I knew I was gonna have to go home and kiss my aunt's ass...feeding her some crap like, "It doesn't look bad at all! Why did you do that, anyways?" Then she'd go into some lame excuse, and I'd have to pretend like I cared. It didn't end up being so bad, though. I came through the front door, looked at her for a second, and told her she looks like Susan Powter, then scurried away to the kitchen where I thought I'd be safe. Boy, did I think wrong. I was safe from my aunt, but my uncle was sitting there just waiting for some poor, unsuspecting soul to come around so that he could state the obvious and talk about how mad he is. Oh, I wish I had a tape recorder.
"She looks like a butch dike."
"I don't have a wife - I have a husband!"
And it only got worse from there. At one point, she heard him complaining and yelled, "I will not be controlled!"
His response? "Yes, sir..."
I'm beginning to really believe she has lost her mind. My uncle says so too.
"She looks like a butch dike."
"I don't have a wife - I have a husband!"
And it only got worse from there. At one point, she heard him complaining and yelled, "I will not be controlled!"
His response? "Yes, sir..."
I'm beginning to really believe she has lost her mind. My uncle says so too.
Thursday, January 25th
This is the first post of what promises to be a rather interesting documentation of my life in Inglewood, California. Yes, I live in the ghetto. Yes, I am white. No, it isn't always easy....but it usually is pretty amusing. Anyways, as if that weren't enough, I live with some family friends (I call them my aunt and uncle, even though they really aren't)...and I'm pretty sure the wife is psychotic. She's a falling-down drunk, and she manages to hurt herself as a result of over-indulging in some E&J at least every couple of months (but she's drunk every day). This was my friend's idea...and I must admit that it's brilliant. Anyways, I'm not going to disclose any names, and if I feel the need to use a name, it's going to be changed and will have an asterisk next to it. So, I'll start with what happened this morning!
It was 2am and I was sound asleep. Out of nowhere, my aunt bursts into my bedroom and exclaims, "I'm shaving my head! I'm not even kidding - I'm dead serious! I'm shaving my head right now!"
Orly?
To be honest, I didn't care. I mean, I've been living with this kind of madness for over a year now, and it takes a lot to shock me. Once my heart stopped racing from being woken up by somebody bursting into my room and yelling, I fell back asleep. All the while, I could hear the hair clippers buzzing in the bathroom.
When I woke up this morning, my aunt was passed out on the sofa, wearing a baseball cap. I would have thought she chickened out if it weren't for the fact that the bathroom wastebasket is full of her hair.
It was 2am and I was sound asleep. Out of nowhere, my aunt bursts into my bedroom and exclaims, "I'm shaving my head! I'm not even kidding - I'm dead serious! I'm shaving my head right now!"
Orly?
To be honest, I didn't care. I mean, I've been living with this kind of madness for over a year now, and it takes a lot to shock me. Once my heart stopped racing from being woken up by somebody bursting into my room and yelling, I fell back asleep. All the while, I could hear the hair clippers buzzing in the bathroom.
When I woke up this morning, my aunt was passed out on the sofa, wearing a baseball cap. I would have thought she chickened out if it weren't for the fact that the bathroom wastebasket is full of her hair.
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