Flashback

My mom came to visit me for Thanksgiving last year even though she swore that she would never stay the night at my house again after what happened the year before. She must really, really love me to do that. One night, she and I were sitting on the porch swing talking to each other while our front door was open. Because we live in the ghetto, of course we have a locking security screen door also, so that was closed. Anyways, my mom and I are sitting outside talking, when a man from the apartment building next door to our house pulls up across the street to park. He was driving a huge Cadillac and was trying to fit it into a pretty tight spot. While my mom and I talked, I watched his efforts curiously because I myself cannot parallel park to save my life.

Apparently, my aunt (who was drunk) was watching him from inside the house while she was lying on the sofa, and decided to make a big deal out of it to The Lapdog who was at our house visiting at the time. "Oh my god, are you serious?? Are you kidding me?? This guy cannot parallel park and he's hitting all of the parked cars!!" (He really wasn't.) At this point, she gets up off the sofa (it's a miracle!) and stands in front of the screen door, yelling loud enough for this guy to hear her.

I just look at my mom. She looks at me. We're both helpless, and we're the ones sitting outside.

My aunt, being the whatever-she-is that she is, of course has to start yelling even louder once the guy is finished parking and gets out of his car. This man, mind you, did nothing wrong! My aunt starts going at it again, "I can't believe this guy! He can't park for shit! Is he drunk?? This guy is drunk - I can't fucking believe it!!"

Oh my god. Hide me. Mom, hide me! If you loved me, you'd hide me!

The guy responds, "Excuse me? What did you say? I'm not drunk. You try parking my car! And the minivan in front of it belongs to me, too! I can hit my own car's bumper while I'm parking if I want to!"

The man is right.

To The Lapdog: "Oh my god, I can't believe this guy is drunk! You've got to see this!!"

Thank God this man was a better person than me and just went into his apartment building. I was so embarrassed. I hope he saw my aunt standing at the screen and didn't assume that my mom and I were the ones getting in his business. My aunt should be muzzled after 5pm.